As hard as the child might make their case, and as much evidence as they can produce to support it, the mother will flatly deny such a recollection. Projection means that she will put her own bad behavior, character and traits on you so she can deny them in herself and punish you. What I like best about this book is it discusses communication techniques to use with the ex. The children continually hear how bad they are, how demanding they are, and how rude they are. Does your mother appear phony to you?
As a last resort she goes pathetic. To counter this threat, she begins to see her child as an extension of herself, one that she can assert absolute control over to preserve her grandiose facade. Child as an extension of the narcissist The child of a narcissist does not have their own identity, and it unlikely that they will become their own person ever; even in adulthood, unless they entirely remove themselves from the narcissist at some point. The scapegoat predictably responds with fury and equal contempt. Having been raised by a narcissist, her children are predisposed to be envious, and she takes full advantage of the opportunity that presents. Your brother beats you and her response is to bemoan how uncivilized children are. If she made an agreement with you, it was violated the minute it no longer served her needs. The scapegoat sees the mother as a creature of caprice and cruelty. Do you feel you were a slave to your mother? The envy of narcissistic mothers often includes competing sexually with their daughters or daughters-in-law. You were never allowed to be needy or have bad feelings or problems. She'll blame you for everything that isn't right in her life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened. All of this is done without seeming embarrassment or thought. Your narcissistic mother can turn it on with a silence or a look that tells the child in you she's thinking about how she's going to get even. She'll lie about her relationship with them, about your behavior or about your situation in order to inflate herself and to undermine your credibility. She never gave you a birthday party or let you have sleepovers. She will deliver generalized barbs that are almost impossible to rebut always in a loving, caring tone: She's also careful about when and how she engages in her abuses. If only you weren't so difficult. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother? You signed yourself up for the SATs, earned the money to pay for them and talked someone into driving you to the test site. Suffice to say that much of what has already been discussed constitutes manipulation, and the general theme is one of control and obedience. Support your spouse when the stepchildren display narcissistic or co-narcissistic characteristics. She'll spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice that conveys how unhappy she is, again, completely deniably. She will boast about their achievements while making it very clear of the vital role she played in them. Children that are raised primarily by the narcissistic mother will experience significantly more trauma and abuse than those children who rarely, or never, see their narcissistic mother. Mothers who are narcissists are intrusive and frequently ignore appropriate boundaries with their children.
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